Learning How to Apologize

For the most part, leaders are bad at apologizing. It would do a lot of good if we learned to apologize the right way.

I help teach a cohort of students in Friends University’s Master of Arts in Christian Spiritual Formation and Leadership program. My good friend, Keas Keasler (director of the program), teaches on the elements of a powerful apology. Every time I hear it I’m surprised at how - powerful - it is.

He said we have to start by owning our part, identifying where we might be, at least, 5% wrong. (We may be 95% right, but can we at least recognize the 5%?). We have to avoid weak confessions and “toxic-bad confessions.” Leaders weaken our apology when we add if, but, and maybe (“I’m sorry if I you were offended…”). We must avoid these words.

Then he shared the four steps of a powerful apology:

1. Here’s what I did. (Be specific).

2. Here’s how I hurt you… is there more? (now listen).

3. I’m sorry for… (Name what you did specifically and how it hurt the person).

4. Would you forgive me? (Maybe it’s not today. But I am asking for your forgiveness).

As leaders, we build trust with others not by pretending to be perfect, growing defensive, or refusing to own our part. We build trust when we own our part and learn to apologize correctly.